Catching a Cheat in the Very Act!

It was a bright and sunny Sunday afternoon, particularly for the Okekes. They had every reason to be happy; at least the days of financial lack and its attendant hardship were now over.  For four sordid years, Mary had toiled to fend for her family and finance her husband’s education at the tertiary institution. A faithful wife to the core, she spared no dime but was committed to giving her very best to her husband and three children, even when it meant her having to go about in tattered clothes.

Now, the story has changed. It is her turn to be pampered by her husband. A lucky man, Roland got a job waiting for him, even before he wrote his final exams. So, it was without hassles that he assumed office as marketing executive in a reputable manufacturing company in town. The package was quite attractive and there was also an official car to cruise in. Expectedly, the entire family was elated; Mary indeed felt relieved. In fact, she threw a small congratulatory party and invited some close friends to felicitate with her family.

Thereafter, Roland resumed work and everything appeared perfectly okay until three months later. The unexpected happened! The family had barely returned home after Sunday worship service when their house was besieged by two policemen and a couple. Two other adults were in the entourage, totaling six people. Who are these? Mrs. Okeke queried. In response, one of the women started raging, “Mr. Okeke, you won’t go scot free if anything happens to my daughter. You have your own children O; you can’t kill my own child and expect to be free. If you knew you were not going to marry her, why did you impregnate her? Now, you took her to a quack doctor for abortion and her womb has been damaged. My daughter is lying there at the brink of death while you are enjoying with your wife and children. You must answer for this.” She swiftly turns to the sergeant. “Officer, this man is the criminal. He must be arrested. Please help me officer; my daughter must not die O”, she yelled as she put her hands on her head.

Mrs. Okeke shuddered, but quickly summoned enough courage to ask “Madam, please take it easy. What is the problem? Calm down and tell us what is wrong.” Then, the police officer responded, “Your husband is being charged for impregnating one Tolani, the daughter of this woman and compelling her to go and abort it.”As the story went, Mr. Okeke was alleged to have taken the pregnant girl to a quack doctor and unfortunately, there were complications after treatment. 

As the story later went, their relationship had been on for one year before the pregnancy came. It was unexpected because several preventive measures had been taken to forestall it. Somehow, the measures just did not work. Moreover, the girl started bleeding heavily and had to be rushed to the hospital. It was at this critical point that Tolani confessed and fingered Mr. Okeke as the one responsible.  The officer then said, “Madam, we have a directive to arrest your husband and we have to do it now.” 

Of course, Roland could not utter a word, even as his wife starred at him in astonishment. There she stood, petrified and confused. How does she handle this shattering, mind blowing discovery? What does she do first? Should she pounce on her husband and begin to beat him? Should she pour out the venom mounting so high in her heart? Or, should she leave him and go see how to save the life of this dying girl? A mother herself, her bowels yearned for helpless Tolani and her horrified mother. But she had a seconf thought, “the girl too has wronged her by flirting with her husband.” Is Tolani not reaping the fruits of her labour? Should she make any move to get Roland off the hook of the police? Why should Roland pay her this way? Why should he be so heartless as to spend her hard-earned money, flirting around with a young girl, even when she was languishing in poverty and denial in order to give him honour? How come she never saw this coming; at least there was nothing to show that her husband was cheating on her? Why should she be so unlucky?

The questions flooded her mind as the tears gushed out uncontrollably. She sat down motionless while the police led her husband onto a waiting car and sped off.

Getting cheated on is not new with many couples, although it is a miserable and most devastating experience. Sometimes, men are the victims, but most commonly it is the women. Having knowledge of it is in itself worrisome, but not knowing at all makes it even worse. 

Common signs of cheaters, observers say, include lipstick stains on shirt collars, perfume fragrance on shirt or jacket, secretion stains on underwear, pieces of papers with love notes or telephone numbers, unexplained match books, receipt, condom, etc.

At other times, the husband/wife may notice her husband whispering or speaking in hushed tones while on the phone. He/she may look alarmed when the partner starts observing and may hang up suddenly; yes, there may be abrupt hang-ups when he/she answers.

Counselors admit that female cheaters are more discreet in the selection of a lover. This is most likely because of their concern about sexual transmitted diseases. Most females are looking for a long lasting relationship than a “one night stand”.  In past years men were the aggressors; but in the society today, with the increase of women in the work force, women have become equally aggressive. Researchers also say that “when a female is having an affair, she tends to have more of a ‘glow’ about her” (presumably therefore, when a guy is having an affair, he does not have a glow). 

There are several ways to recognize and catch a disloyal partner. “It is usually discovered with a sudden change in behavior. You are sick to your stomach, you feel emotionally exhausted, sexually neglected and your self-esteem is in the pit. You probably eat even less than you sleep. It is one of the worse feelings you will ever experience in life”, says Mrs. Titi Awopeju, a marriage counselor and church leader.

It is not only husband that cheat; in fact, women too are known to be very smart at it. Watch out for the following signs. They may not be authentic proofs, but they are sure pointers.

·        At the beginning of the affair, the husband/wife may actually be more affectionate than usual due to guilty feelings. Later, after the affair has been going on a while, he/she often starts finding fault with the spouse as a defensive mechanism (i.e to justify the affair in his/her mind).

·        Cheating husbands/wives often lose interest in domestic activities, such as spending time with the kids, fixing up the house, lawn care, cooking special dishes etc.

·        Cheating husbands/wives may have a change in sexuality (i.e more sex, less sex) as well as unexplained sexual requests.

·        Grooming habits change. A cheating husband/wife may buy a new wardrobe or lot of new clothes or may just suddenly start to become more attentive to his/her personal appearance. The husband/wife may notice frequent bathing, more careful grooming etc.

What can we do to catch cheating spouses? Dr. Emmanuel Nwazurike advice: “First of all, the cheaters must not know that you suspect him/her. Although it is difficult, you must still treat the cheater the same way as you did prior to suspecting him/her of cheating. Give the cheater penalty of room to hang himself/herself; don’t try to interfere with the cheating behavior. Secondly, if you suspect the cheater is actually cheating at home while you are away, make false plans to be away one weekend and stay at a local hotel. Pack down the street from your residence, and then watch and wait. Thirdly, before you try some of these suggestions, make sure you are willing to accept the consequences without violence. Lastly, have a plan as to what you intend to do if your suspicions are indeed confirmed.