Between The Ring And The Heart…

Chief Kunle Adetunji and Laide had been married for fifteen years before Kunle decided to take a second wife – Flora. Not only did he choose to tread the path of polygamy, he also got married to Flora without Laide’s knowledge. Expectedly, Laide could not stomach the intrusion of a rival. She fought vehemently when she got wind of her husband’s move. However, with the intervention of some family elders and friends, Flora was later accepted into Laide’s matrimonial home (a heavily furnished duplex in the heart of town) after two years of her (Flora) affair with the chief.

As expected, the two rivals were engaged in constant squabbles and jealousies. During one of their frequent quarrels, Laide reminded her rival how that she had a talk-of-the- town traditional/church wedding with Kunle before he stumbled into wealth and was accorded a chieftaincy title. She also taunted Flora with the fact that she (Laide) was given a wedding ring by Kunle whereas Flora got none; hence she (Flora) was a mere concubine.

Flora however fired back in a most painful way, “You are only married to the ring, not the man. If you and the ring meant so much to Kunle, he wouldn’t have come for me. You can keep the ring but I can assure you that I will keep his heart.” 

For the first time since Flora came in, Laide who was completely torn apart by this snaring remarks; so much so that she had serious thought about the value of the ring in her hand. She thought deeply about her husband’s betrayal after so many years of togetherness. She thought of her children’s future now that a rival had come in between them. “Flora was right”, she reasoned. “Although I am the legal wife, Flora is now Kunle’s soul mate”, she thought. 

The wedding ring, as we know, is something women cherish a lot.  In the circle of educated couples, until there is an exchange of ring between the bride and the groom, the marriage is not considered formal. Surprisingly, the ring, which is often associated with the church and registry marriage, is now embraced at the NIKAH (Muslim Wedding). “Women take pride in displaying their rings because it earns a lot of respect for them in the society. Once people see the ring, they know you’re married and accord you your due respect. It even helps to ward off the advances of frivolous men”, says Mrs. Modupe Adewale. This shows the importance attached to wedding rings.

How amazing that while some women would prefer to go back home and get their wedding ring if they forget to put it on while going out, some men (and even women) would not mind an extra marital affair, even with their wedding rings on.

Yes, the society believes that the ring is a reminder of our marital status but the truth is that the exchange of rings is no longer a deterrent to polygamy or infidelity.

What then is the rationale behind spending of a fortune to purchase wedding ring? Are those marriages associated with rings better consolidated and stable than those ones without it? What is there to gain or lose with or without the use of a wedding ring?

 “There is no place in the Bible where God ordered the use of ring in marriage, neither is there any example of where it was used in all the weddings conducted in Bible record. Not even in the marriage at Cana of Galilee where Jesus performed the first miracle was a wedding ring mentioned”, argued Pastor Yemi Owolabi. “However, God stipulated the use of ring in the Old Testament for freed slaves who wish to remain with their masters and continue to serve them.” 

He went on to say that the use of ring during wedding ceremony is an adopted culture. “I believe the most important thing in a home is the presence of God and his love, not the ring. The vow exchanged during the ceremony is equally important. Even though some people hold that the endless circle of a ring symbolizes endless love and that it has some spiritual undertone, it cannot be proved as valid since some couples still fight and beat each other, even with the ring on.”

Newly wedded couple, Mr.& Mrs. Elliot Essien uphold that “marriage is an institution of God; hence no material thing can make it valid except the word of God.”

Sheik Ismail Bakare stressed that the use of ring in Islam during wedding is neither wrong nor right. In his words, “In Islamic belief, marriage is still valid without the ring. If the ring is given as part of dowry, it is allowed. But if it is tantamount to a man’s inability to marry any other woman apart from the one that has the ring, then it has no basis in Islam since our religion allows that we marry as many as four wives.” He further explained that there is no limit to what a man can give as dowry, noting that expensive and precious items like gold (from which the ring is made) are allowed.

Ironically, “registry marriage contacted under marriage ACT 128 of 1914 is only valid if there is an exchange of ring”, said a registry officer at the Agege Marriage Registry. According to him, “It is compulsory to use ring because it is through the ring that the couple, physically and before witnesses and the law, demonstrate their love. Without the wedding ring therefore, there is no marriage.”

For Olayinka Adesola who lost his ring to robbers some two years ago, the ring seems not as important as to warrant a replacement. “There are so many other things to do with the money. My wife is worried that I no longer wear it, I might fall into the hands of some husband-snatchers. But I tell her that it is my heart that she should strive to keep, not the ring.”

There is also the argument as to whether or not only married women can wear wedding ring on the fourth finger of their left hand. Ngozi Okoh, an undergraduate of the University of Lagos, who also is single, believes that it is a matter of choice who wears it and on which of the fingers it is fixed. Though unmarried, she wears it on this same hand, simply for fashion.

We cannot help but agree with the views of the clergy men that the exchange of ring is an imported culture which was passed down from generation to generation but which society now holds as an impeachable evidence of matrimonial stability. The truth however is that rings have often been used to symbolize the making of a pledge or contract. This, perhaps, is why the use of ring was introduced into wedding since it is a form of contract.