Jealousy: A Fang Too Deadly To Ignore

Jealousy? Its one simple word that sounds so harmless; but you can bet that it does not have such a simple, innocent definition as you suppose.

Talking about the magnitude of havoc jealousy has caused is another thing. How countless they are? Is it the homes that have been broken, the blood ties that have loosened, the soul mates that have been separated or the numerous lives lost to the deal? The list is endless, even as its reality remains timeless.

For very many reasons, we feel jealous. It is well taken as a normal human emotion to feel. If untamed however, jealousy is one emotional upsurge that has the potency of getting so over bloated as to cause a catastrophic crush to any relationship. It does not matter for how long the union has existed, how strong the tie is or what things are at stake. The more reason why there should be ways of controlling this temper.

Ask yourself the question: “Why do I feel jealous?” Does it have something to do with your self-esteem, or does your spouse provide you with good reason to feel this way? Agreed that feelings of jealousy in a marriage relationship often borders on the concerns of faithfulness to conjugal vows, talents, abilities, financial resources, social/academic status and a host of others, but what really are the reasons for jealousy? What are the indices?

1.     Feeling of Insecurity: Take it of leave it, Jealousy is a sign of insecurity. It indicates a sense of uncertainty about yourself and your worth. By acting in a jealous way, you are simply telling your spouse that you do not feel worthy of his/her love and that you are worried that he/she will find someone who is better than you. As a man, are you aware that women are attracted to security and they look up to their men for it? If a woman realizes that you’re lacking in self-esteem, she will lose her respect for you. And mind you, if she doesn’t respect you, she can’t love you. Every time therefore you act like a jealous clown, you lose more respect. Don’t pretend that you are jealous because you really love and care about your partner. That excuse may not be tenable. The truth is just that you do not have what it takes to keep your spouse. It also tells that you are not ready to go the extra mile to sustain that relationship but just want things to remain as they are.

2.     Lack of Confidence: Jealousy is about you and your lack confidence. It is your problem, your own feeling and emotional distress. Take the case of a newly wedded woman who, on a particular day went to the office but could not return home until 10 pm. Why, you are likely to ask? She was trapped in the terrible traffic jam that rocked the city of Lagos on that particular day. And, what happened when eventually she got home? Her husband was not so worried about her safety, his concern and accusation was on whether or not she had gone fun-seeking with some other men. The bewildered wife was too shocked to answer the numerous questions with which she was welcomed home. It’s quite astonishing that a marriage that is barely three months old could be so plagued with clouds of uncertainty. Now, if you really can’t trust you spouse, why did you choose to wed him/her? Why don’t you rather stick to somebody you can trust and have confidence in?

Mrs Alaba Ajayi, a nurse that has been married for over 25 years to Architect Dipo Ajayi, recently told of the secrets to her successful marriage. “It’s true that my husband is today, one of the leading architects in Nigeria. But one thing I see that has really helped the home is the fact that I trust him. I believe in him, so I don’t trail him. I don’t disturb his life with false accusations; neither do I suspect him. Most of my husband’s clients are women; but I give him the benefit of doubt, even when he comes home late. And because I believe in him, he too finds it obligatory not to let me down. For this reason also, he hides nothing from me. ” She therefore urged women not to be suspicious of their husbands as this can portend trouble.

3.     Feeling of Inferiority: Speaking of self-esteem, jealousy is a good way of lowering it. In fact, it is an indicator of one’s low self-esteem. A man who knows his worth won’t have to beg or shout for acceptance and faithfulness; he will command and compel it by his sense of responsibility, maturity and show of love. But the one who knows he is limited and can never make it will naturally feel inferior and subsequently threatened. And what will he do? He will naturally resort to violence. So, no matter what your reasons are, it is extremely important that you conquer this emotion; otherwise it can do great damage to your self-worth.
4.     Feeling of Fear: Marianne Williamson once said, “Everything we do is either an act of love or a cry for help.” You must come to terms with the fact that jealousy is about real or imagined fears. It could be the fear of abandonment, fear of loss of love, fear of being dishonoured in the family or before in-laws, and then the fear of being ashamed in the community. It is possible that one or both partners have this problem. It doesn’t have to be because of any action of the other partner. Oftentimes, it is based on the experiences of past relationships and the imagined fears about the potential pains in this present one. Your fear may be informed by the relationships that you have witnessed other than your own, probably from your parents, friends, other family members, neighbours or other role models. Fear can arise from the knowledge that your partner has been unfaithful in past relationships. The thought usually is: “if he/she did it once, then it can happen again,” even though you are in a totally different relationship.

     To Be Continued