Why Many Women Remain In Abusive Marriage- Abiola Abiade

She has been there; she has been through an abusive marriage. She tried to fix it but later walked out when things didn’t work out. Today, she is a counsellor and mentor to many battered and abused women.  In this interview, Abiola Abiade argues that survivors of abusive relationship need not to be ashamed; rather, they should celebrate themselves and move on.

Despite increased sensitization and laws prohibiting domestic violence, cases of such has remains unabated. What do you think is responsible for this?
It has been in existence from time immemorial but people are just learning to speak out. People are now getting more informed due to enlightenment via social media and other platforms; so lot of victims are now speaking out unlike in the past when they suffered in silence. Loved ones are now reaching out to their relatives that are going through any form of violence. We are into women and youth empowerment; we help women who are victims of domestic, sexual abuse and all forms of violence. We run a mentoring programme and we train youths. We also teach on leadership and human rights because we want people to be on the right track.

Why do you think people still keep mute in the face of violence and how best can this culture be changed?

I call it code of silence; I often tell people about gender equality as we are all equal. Gender equality does not undermine the role of men as the head and that doesn’t make them superior to women. Men and women are entitled to the recognition of their human right. They are entitled to human dignity and all the rights. There shouldn’t be any competition. Nobody is disputing the fact that men are the head, what we are saying is that there is equality of right between men and women. That women follow their husbands doesn’t negate the fact that they also have rights like men. Being the head doesn’t give the man the room to deny his wife her human right.

At what point in time should a woman in an abusive relationship seek for help?

Women keep quiet because they take upon themselves the shame. I always tell victims that they should never take upon themselves the responsibility of that abuse because it is the perpetrator that is wrong and so the perpetrator should be ashamed. Though perpetrators will always blame their victim and accuse him/her of provocation, that doesn’t negate the fact that they were wrong. As a victim, don’t ever take upon yourself the guilt of the abuse you were subjected to. If you are not the cause of the abuse, there is no reason you should not speak out. Even if society will blame you out of ignorance, don’t ever let that stop you from speaking out. Speak out at the very beginning and don’t wait till it deteriorates. A slap will grow into a kick, a kick will advance into total beat down and from there the perpetrator can start to do all sorts of dehumanising things to the victim. When a man kicks you the first time and you start making excuses for him, it won’t get better. Even if he apologises, he will do it again. It will get to a point when it will strip you of your pride, confidence, self-worth and dignity. Don’t ever think you can go through it because your mother or someone around you went through it and she stayed married for a very long time. You may not be as lucky as the person. Abuse is not always physical; it can be emotional or verbal abuse, it falls on you to speak out. Don’t ever condone it when his action strips you of your joy and peace. Victims of physical violence are often advised to move out immediately, especially when their lives are at immediate risk. Seek help, don’t ever condone it and don’t keep quite.

Why are you in this business of mentoring and advocacy?

I was a victim of domestic violence; I was once married for four years and those years were very horrific and dehumanising. I went through all forms of abuse except physical abuse. He did violent things like breaking of chair and flower vases; these things affected me psychologically and emotionally. I made a vow while I was still in that hell of a marriage that I will dedicate my life to helping victims. While going through that, they kept telling me in church that God hates divorce and I was dying daily because I was in an abusive marriage. For a long time I struggled with it and I thought God wanted me to stay in an abusive marriage. I didn’t know how to get but I held-on to my relationship with God. I kept praying to God until he enlightened me about his take on divorce; though God doesn’t like divorce, he understands if it is in the right situation. When I eventually left that abusive marriage, I got my sanity back and I went for trainings and I did lots of researches on domestic violence. I am proud I walked out of my abusive marriage.

You seem to be very proud that you had a failed marriage?

Why should I be ashamed when I am telling people to speak out? Getting out of my marriage is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I was subjected to the abuse and I was a victim. I am proud to tell my story because I am a survivor; I didn’t die there like some women are dying now. I was courageous enough to say no and that takes a very big courage. It takes bigger courage to take actions that will take you out of abuse. Instead of shame the survivor should be celebrated and also celebrate herself. I have removed the responsibility of the abuse off myself because it wasn’t my fault, the only fault I had was staying in that marriage for four years. I have forgiven myself for staying that long. If I had known what I know then now, the marriage wouldn’t have lasted six months. I endured every bit of it because I don’t want to be persecuted. I was dying and people were telling me to endure it, those people are now celebrating my breakthrough.

Which way forward now? Would you still like to give marriage a trial?

I still believe in love and marriage. I may give marriage a trial again but this time I will be more careful. I am trusting God I will get it right this time around. I started rebuilding my life after I left the abusive marriage and now I have my peace. I didn’t care about public opinion because it is my life. It is time for us to start educating the younger ones and stop putting unnecessary pressure on them to go and marry; they should get married when they meet the right person. Don’t manage any man and don’t marry because your mates are getting married. It is not being hot in bed that makes a man a man, what makes a man is his sense of responsibility and his obligation towards his wife and children. He is not a man if you can’t fulfil your obligations